Hello from Portland, OR. I’m excited to be here for World Domination Summit, a conference built around the beautiful question “How do we lead a remarkable life in a conventional world?”
The result is an annual mass gathering of creatives, entrepreneurs, and change-makers for a weekend of meetups, talks by incredible creators, and a whole lot of Portland-weird. As an introvert, my social tank is dangerously close to empty, but being among my people make it so worth it.
Thank you for coming back for the fourth edition of Above Average Empath, the monthly musings of a creative exploring the human condition.
You can’t expect one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs. It’s an unrealistic and unfair expectation. It’s also a belief I held for close to a decade.
I used to believe that if I was in a relationship, I was safe. I’d made it, I could relax. Singleness was a threat and I’d do everything in my power to ensure it didn’t happen.
I started dating when I was 15, and quickly discovered that being in a relationship meant having someone focused on my wellbeing, someone who could rescue me, and someone who could provide me with a sense of direction and identity.
I spent the next decade of my life anxiously attached, jumping from several back to back long term relationships where my partners all served the same role—near-parental figures.
And, although I truly loved and learned from every single one of my partners, there was always something off, an imbalance.
The problem was that I believed that my partners could and should be able to meet all of my emotional needs, to fill up all of my cups.
When you hold this belief, that your partner is capable of filling every single one of your emotional cups, a relationship becomes more than just a relationship—it becomes the vessel in which, again and again, you unconsciously attempt to heal unmet childhood needs.
When I was operating out of this space, I’d consistently deprioritize the friendship cup, neglect the self-love cup, and would instead hold out this bottomless cup to my partners and wonder why I was always so thirsty.
I needed more cups.
It’s taken years of unlearning to get to where I am now: safe and secure enough in myself to intentionally set the romantic cup down for a while and to not panic, but to actually find peace in exploration of what else is out there that brings me joy.
Learning to be okay setting down the romantic cup has granted me space to prioritize the self-love cup, the friendship cup, the puppy-love cup, the community cup, and quench a once insatiable thirst.
Like damn, I didn’t realize how badly I needed these other cups.
It’s no longer a threat to put down the romantic cup. It’s one that I look forward to filling again someday, but it will never be the bottomless cup that it once was. And for once, I’m in no rush to pick it back up.
If this resonated, here are five things you can do to explore how to diversify your cups:
Ask yourself who taught you how to love. Where did you learn how to love? Journal about it without judgement and remember to give yourself grace during the exploration.
Understand your attachment style by reading Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love by Amir Levine.
Experience this 10-minute Inner Child Meditation from The Holistic Psychologist, Nicole LePera (warning: tissues will be needed).
Welcome more play into your life. Conduct a play history by asking yourself how you played as a kid. Be curious about the essence of why the way you played brought you joy. Did you dig worms out of the garden to populate dirt-filled Tupperware villages like I did? Maybe you need to get your hands dirty, build something, and use your imagination. Get down to the root of what feels good.
Connect with new friends in new spaces, or reignite old connections that are meaningful to you to keep alive. Find out what projects or experiences they’re excited about. How can you celebrate them? How can you support them? How can they support or celebrate you?
And if you need help putting into words exactly what you may be feeling, what needs of yours need to be met, this wheel (credit to Geoffrey Roberts) is a good place to start.
Oh, and P.S. I highly recommend the puppy-love cup. This one’s my favorite.
I want to thank Carissa Potter Carlson for this illustration that helped me let go of the shame around this topic. If you’d like to read the corresponding essay, you can here.
Goodie Bag
Alright, you’ve reached the catch-all section of my newsletter where I send you off with a goodie bag of things I’ve enjoyed recently. This month, I’m sharing with you my long running list of books, resources, and games from some wonderful folks I met this weekend at World Domination Summit.
Read and participate in The 12-Hour Walk: Invest One Day, Conquer Your Mind, and Unlock Your Best Life by Colin O’Brady, 10-time world record breaking explorer, entrepreneur, and one of the world's best endurance athletes. His story blew my mind.
Read The Happiness of Pursuit: Finding the Quest That Will Bring Purpose to Your Life by Chris Guillebeau founder of WDS, author, and kind-hearted community builder for unconventional people doing remarkable things.
Support She is the Universe, the global movement for girl’s empowerment founded by Laura Peña, a filmmaker, creative producer, storyteller, and entrepreneur.
Read Building a Second Brain: A Proven Method to Organize Your Digital Life and Unlock Your Creative Potential by Tiago Forte, author and founder of Forte Labs. Tiago’s methodology is the reason I carry a notebook with me everywhere.
Read Playful Rebellion: Maximize Workplace Success Through The Power of Play by Gary Ware, founder of Breakthrough Play, corporate facilitator, play activist, and a dear friend of mine.
Read Think Like a Rocket Scientist: Simple Strategies You Can Use to Make Giant Leaps in Work and Life by Ozan Varol, once a rocket scientist, now an award-winning professor and author.
Read The Pathless Path: Imagining a New Story For Work and Life by Paul Millerd — fellow Connecticut native, a digital nomad, and an advocate for pursuing the unconventional path.
Play Ask Deep Questions Connection Cards by Jan Keck for deepening relationships with friends, strangers, coworkers, through brave curiosity and vulnerability.
Learn about science of synchronicity from The Synchronicity Institute with Sky Nelson-Isaacs. Sky’s well of knowledge about the intersection of science and spirituality as it relates to the phenomenon of synchronicity is magnetic.
thanks for sharing my book! I want to try the 12 hour walk idea