Saturday, June 24th, 2022 — Day 1 of No Alcohol
Alright, well...
Waking up hungover within 24 hours of landing in Portland, OR was not what I had planned.
I'm here for a conference centered around personal growth, and here I am, curbing a wave of nausea brushing against my throat, reeking of karaoke sweat, gin and tonics, and 2am DoorDash delivery. The most my body can manage right now is a limp arm sweep under my pillow in search of a water bottle and my phone.
There lies the neatly folded pile of running clothes and good intentions I'd laid at the foot of my bed the day before. I’m not making it to the 5k that starts in 15 minutes across the city.
Fuck, Hannah. Why do you keep doing this?
I pull my knees into my chest and lean my head against the wall that borders this twin sized mattress, listening to the birds in the rose bush outside my window until I drift back to sleep.
I’m so done with alcohol.
Friday, August 26th, 2022 — Day 63 of No Alcohol
“If you don’t mind me asking, what inspired this—the no alcohol thing?” my friend asks.
The thought of giving up alcohol scared me enough to realize it was something worth giving up for a while.
Sometimes we have to rip habits, behaviors, and relationships off like a bandaid if they’re not working for us anymore.
Sometimes I need to do hard, scary things to remind myself of my personal power, my discipline, and that I’m in control.
I like to remind myself that I can do really hard things.
I had to ask myself how many times this year have I turned to alcohol for richer experiences and deeper connections, and how many of those morning-afters resulted in patchy memories, panic scrolling my text history, low-blood-sugar-quivering hands, and plans forfeited for a day of hangover recovery.
I had to ask myself how many times I’ve played the game “do I really feel this way or is this the alcohol talking?” Like, do I actually find this person charming or have I had one too many gin gimlets? Do I actually still miss my ex, and do I actually think my friend is mad at me, or have I just been purging a depressant from my body all week?
Alcohol disconnects me from my intuition, which is the strongest, most trusted compass I have. The moment I’m buzzed, my compass is out of whack. If I can’t trust my inner compass, I can’t trust anyone—I shut down and want to run away until I’m right again.
I moved to a new city to start fresh, try new things, find my people, to create, to be active and healthy, to build and grow.
If my Friday evening “I’ll go for just one drink” happy hours turn into Ubering home from bar number 3 at midnight, and missing my early morning Saturday group runs, bird walks, or whatever the hell else I’ve booked for myself, how am I actually growing? How am I doing anything differently? How am I actually challenging myself? How does alcohol actually do anything for me except make my life harder?
Saturday, September 4th, 2022 — Day 1 of No Alcohol
I’m so done with alcohol….but I can still do hard things.
Till next time.