I have an angel and devil that sit on my shoulders and they’re driving me nuts.
My devil is this amalgamation of everyone and everything that's ever made me feel like I'm not doing enough and that I need to be making constant plays for the future. It wants me to stay in constant pursuit, to be bold and brazen, and have consistent output so I stay visible and relevant.
My angel is a frog on a lily pad with a tiny knit hat, living a peaceful life in a pond where it sees the world with a childlike sense of wonder, smiles a lot, and hasn’t the slightest clue what day it is because it’s so engrossed in the beauty of the present moment. It wants me to fall into simple routines, spend my days reading books in coffee shops, and reminds me that relationships are all that matter in life and that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
(Credit @maybell.eequay)
From what I’ve learned through grief and death as teachers, listening to the frog angel should be all I need to have a beautiful, successful life. But when I spend too much time with frog angel, I can start to feel sick with gluttony and boredom. And when I spend too much time with …frog devil(?) I send myself into panic attacks and serious burnout.
I wish I could easily exist between the angel and the devil in a way that’s healthy and sustainable without this pendulum swinging so far in either direction.
Like, I want to float easy downstream with the frog angel, watch the sun glisten on the water, bird watch and crochet. Then, every now and then I want to jump in the water with the frog devil and we’ll swim upstream to feel the struggle, a rush from the pressure against my chest and muscles straining, and a sense of pride when I reach the nearest stable rock.
For the better half of a year, I’ve done a great job existing between the two opposing forces. But over the last several months I’ve fallen into a lovely, simple routine and can’t find the motivation needed to support any of the goals and projects I’m working on like training for a half marathon, managing freelance marketing clients, pursuing a big career move within my company, keeping up with my online continued education, writing this newsletter, and building relationships.
The goals I’ve set for myself are getting harder to support and to be honest, I’m not sure if this calls for more discipline, or for removing responsibilities off my plate.
Do I just have too many different goals on my plate that are overwhelming me to the point that all I want to do is…nothing? Maybe. Do I shake things up and change the way I approach this newsletter so it becomes more enjoyable for me to stick to while I’m busy with other demanding projects? Also, maybe.
For now, I’m just going to let my angel and devil duke it out while I dissociate out my bedroom window and enjoy my morning matcha.
On Repeat
I had a serious starstruck moment watching L’Imperatrice perform at Austin City Limits. Of the whole weekend, they were by far my favorite performance and really pulled off their unique sound effortelssly in a live festival setting. Matching red outfits, the grooviest of nu-disco basslines, and swoonworthy vocals and choreography from Flore Benguigui.
(Photo Credit: Sara Strick)
Currently Reading
My friend Ellen said she balled her eyes out at the end of The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, so naturally I decided that’s what I was reading next.
So far, yeah it’s sad. The book starts off with protagonist Nora Seed deciding to commit suicide after a series of events lead her to absolute existential emptiness and unshakeable regret for her life choices. In between life and death, Nora gets an opportunity to choose from hundreds of parallel lives she could’ve experienced had she made different choices. At this point in the book, none of the parallel lives have been any better than the one she wanted to escape from, but they have allowed her to let go of some of her deep regrets by seeing how things could’ve played out.
I feel like how I did when I watched Bojack Horseman. Not nearly as dark, but it’s unsettling to watch as a character desperately searches for purpose and meaning in life and never finds it. I’m certain Nora will find peace and meaning at some point in this story (it’s heavily marketed as being “uplifting”) but to be determined.
Till next time.